Every man needs a go-to joke.
Monday
Joke N° 4245
Tiger Woods A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s not a big deal in this day and age.” The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods.” “Tiger Woods, the golfer?” “Yeah.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks the wife. The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks. The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it again.” The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”
Tuesday
Joke N° 4246
By My Side A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot, you were by my side to nurse me back to health. When we lost the house, you were right there with me again. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear?” She asked gently. “I’m beginning to think you’re f**king bad luck.”
Wednesday
Joke N° 4247
Good Morning An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?” “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
Thursday
Joke N° 4248
Differences Between You And Your Boss When you take a long time, you’re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough. When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy. When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human. When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he’s being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original. When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business. When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
Friday
Joke N° 4249
Church Bells On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied Granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
Saturday
Joke N° 4250
Too Much Attention One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well-cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
Sunday
Joke N° 4251
First Class All The Way A dimwitted blonde bombshell walks into an airplane and sits in the first-class section. Upon sitting down a stewardess asks to see her boarding pass and informs her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, “I’m a cute looking blonde and I’m flying first class.” The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta. The blonde then retorts, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class.” Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening. The blonde tells him, “I’m a cute blonde and I’m flying first class to Atlanta.” The captain thinks about it for a moment and whispers something in her ear. The blonde immediately gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin. Puzzled, the stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast. ”It was simple,” he replied, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Atlanta.”
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