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Things Only Marathoners Understand

Marathon Runners


This time last year I was jostling about with 33,000 close friends getting ready to start the 2014 Boston Marathon. Considering qualifying for Boston almost wrecked me, I think just once will be enough. The next time I visit that city, it will be as a tourist. A drunk tourist.
Understandably, not all runners want to go the 26.2-mile distance. But if you do, you learn things. Marathoners gain wisdom over the course of preparing for and running the course. These are things that only marathon runners understand:
Running with snacks
Before I started preparing for my first marathon I never ran with food or water, because even on the hottest day I could handle a 10K without a drink, or I’d choose a route with a water fountain along the way. With marathon prep, however, you need to get used to running with a goofy-looking utility belt that holds food and water, and makes you look nothinglike Batman.
Not to mention the fact that the utility belt can chafe and make a racket of sloshing water, which you can totally hear because you’re …
Taking time out from tunes
It’s not a requirement, but marathon runners are more likely to leave the iPod at home to keep their brain focused on pace and, I don’t know, embracing the pain or something. Running without music is something those who do shorter distances just can’t comprehend.
Lubing up
There is this stuff called Body Glide, and you’ll learn to get more intimate with it than with your significant other. It’s not just for the prevention of bleeding nipples, but that stuff needs to go everywhere, in every crevice, like you’re giving yourself a medical exam. Don’t be shy, or you’ll regret it.
The benefits of grey hair
Some iconic marathons (like Boston) help the aged runner. Starting at the age of 35, they start giving you additional minutes to meet the qualifying standards. I’ve heard it said that marathoners are the only people who look forward to getting older.
Fun with maths
For many runners, it’s just about finishing the damn marathon, but there are those who quest for a specific time irrespective of qualifying standards. “Sub 4” is coming in under four hours, and is a reasonable goal for a good runner. I know I was thrilled when I managed it my first timerunning the 26.2. Sub three hours, however, is exceptionally ambitious. It’s like running a 10K in 42 minutes, and then doing that three more times, plus a little more. It’s a big enough accomplishment that when former US vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan lied about attaining a sub-3 hour marathon time, marathoners lost their shit.
And sub 2 hours? The world record is 2:02:57, and if anyone ever breaks two hours it will be international news. This graphic describes what it might take to achieve such a feat.
Never trusting the baggage handler
Many a marathon is done in a faraway land, with air travel being required. And you can’t trust those baggage handlers to get your gear to the start line, so any marathoner with an ounce of foresight will pack their carry on with all the race essentials like they’re assuming their checked baggage is on the way to Bangladesh.
Dropping LSD
I’m afraid I’m not talking about the mind-altering chemical, but it can still be a bad trip, and maybe even include some hallucinations. LSD stands for “long, slow distance.” It’s the endless long mileage runs you have to rack up as part of your training, and they’re BORING.
Food in a tube
It’s kind of like being one of those early Apollo astronauts who had to squeeze food out of a tube. It’s a fact that no rational human would consume an energy gel if the circumstances didn’t demand it. When you’re running on empty and your mouth is dry, you can’t handle a sandwich, you need fast energy in the form of unappetizing liquid goop. Blarf.

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